In The News

One Legacy You Don't Want To Pass On -- Workaholism

One Legacy You Don't Want To Pass On -- Workaholism The Wall Street Journal -- By Sue Shellenbarger 961 words 09:18 am, 01/15/2004 Internal Content English Over the holidays, Alida Cornelius's daughter, a college freshman, brought home a plan that shocked her parents: She would work as a waitress full-time straight through her vacation, including Christmas, taking no time to relax. Worried that her daughter was becoming a workaholic, Ms. Cornelius urged her to kick back, enjoy some skiing. Her father, Krish Krishnan, says he was dismayed to see his daughter taking his example of working long hours to extremes. "Don't be so hard on yourself," he says he told her. But their advice fell on deaf ears. Concerned, Dr. Krishnan says he hopes his daughter doesn't become obsessed with work. As the baby boomlet hits their teens and 20s, many parents are dismayed to see they've created little adults just like themselves: workaholics. They toil to exhaustion, they're stressed and distracted, and they seldom make time to spend with loved ones. The shock of seeing themselves in their kids brings many of these parents to a dead halt. A parent's habits or addictions affect the whole family; this is an axiom of family therapy and recovery literature. Whether an overwork habit can be a true addiction depends on whom you ask. Some say it can; these people liken workaholism to, say, alcoholism, as a compulsive disorder that progressively destroys the sufferer's health, character, relationships and ability to feel emotion. But most people use the term "workaholic" in the sense I'm using it here, to describe people who get so caught up in overwork that they lose perspective for a long time on other aspects of life. That can include people with a chronic habit of working too long because they fear being laid off or because they're seduced by the heady rewards of some careers. Whether overwork is an addiction or merely a habit, it can drive a wedge between family members. Dr. Krishnan, a marketing professor and head of a university MBA program, says he is driven to work long and hard because he loves his work and gets satisfaction and meaning from it. His ex-wife, Ms. Cornelius, says he worked too much, at a cost to family life. The couple divorced three years ago, partly because of their differing values on the matter, both say. Dr. Krishnan, Indiana, Pa., says he hopes his daughter follows the positive aspects of his example, by finding work that inspires and uplifts her. But a child in a home with a workaholic parent can have trouble sorting the good from the bad. Ed Manley's kids, now adults, have told him they appreciated the benefits his hard work brought the family, he says. He always acknowledged that he worked harder than other people, studying for college degrees or running charity projects while working full-time. But it wasn't until his daughter, Debbie Szymchack, was in her 30s that she confronted him with evidence that his workaholism had hurt her. At a family birthday party, Ms. Szymchack, Traverse City, Mich., recalled a memory: During long stretches of her childhood, she says she told him, "all I ever saw of you was the back of your head, sitting at your desk studying for college." It was a moment of truth, says Mr. Manley, Las Vegas, who now heads a trade association; "what Debbie said to me really stuck with me." When he was working, he adds, "you don't think about the fact that your kids are thinking, 'Is my dad ever going to come over here and talk to me or hug me?' " Ms. Szymchack says she struggles with her own workaholic tendencies, trying to limit her hours on her management job and to be present with her two children. Different children react differently to the presence of a workaholic parent. Some imitate the parent and strive, unconsciously, to outdo their mother or father by working even harder. Others rebel, withdrawing into a teen culture that offers plenty of alternative values, including rejecting achievement. Karen Locke, who describes herself as a recovering workaholic, has seen her two children react in opposite ways. Her moment of truth came after a stretch of working very hard on her job as a teacher and a variety of community causes, including a failed effort to start a charter school. Feeling neglected, her son actually celebrated when the school project failed; "I never want to hear the word 'charter' again," she says he told her. Ms. Locke soon joined a 12-step group, entered therapy and stopped working so hard. Several years later, Ms. Locke, Minneapolis, says it's tough to watch her teenage daughter bring home impossible amounts of homework, then drive herself to exhaustion trying to finish. When Ms. Locke urges her to set realistic goals, she is pained to hear her daughter reply, "I just have to stay up later, that's all." On the other hand, her son, now in his 20s, has responded by embracing "an 'I'm not going to do that' style," Ms. Locke says. "He's just going to enjoy life." He has enrolled in junior college and is taking courses at a measured pace. Overcoming the effects of parental overwork is a long, slow process. Ms. Cornelius, Jeffersonville, Ind., counsels her daughter to fit some fun into her schedule. "I try to tell her that having a balanced life was the most important goal," she says. Mr. Manley has taken up helping other workaholics. He has started a free Web site, Workaholic.org, where he fields letters to "Dear Dr. Workaholic." One of his first pieces of advice, he says, is always, "Your kids are going to remember this." 42948